[Scene 1: Joey in a cab. Entrance music “Hooray For Hollywood”]

Cab Driver: Where am I taken ya?

Joey: Uh, I got it here some place. It’s my sister’s place. She was supposed to pick me up, but she’s kinda not all there ya know? (Forgets about finding his ticket and looks out the window)

Cab Driver: The address?

Joey: Right! Right, right.

Cab Driver: So, you here visiting family?

Joey: Well, no I’m an actor.  I’ve been in New York, but I got offered work in LA and I think it’s time for me to take my shot. Kinda scary. I mean, I left my whole life behind but I think it’s a smart move. Ya know, if you wanna make it as an actor, you gotta move to LA, to Hollywood.

Cab Driver: So what are you doing here in Dallas?

Joey: (Realizing) I did have a layover in Dallas…

[Opening Credits]

[Scene 2: At the airport. Entrance music “Hooray For Hollywood”]

Joey: (Walks in skeptically, looking around, and then sees a sign saying “Welcome To Los Angeles”) Oh thank god!

Gina: (Running towards Joey) Oh my god, Joey!

Joey: Hey Gina!

Gina: Oh, my brother the star! (Yells to a guy passing by) Days of Our Lives! (Pointing to Joey)

Joey: Not anymore.

Gina: Formerly!

Joey: It’s so good to see you.

Gina: Oh, I know, I missed you so much.

Joey: (Steps back away from Gina) Wait a second, wait a second. You look different.

Gina: Oh, I forgot. You haven’t seen ‘em. (Unzips her jacket to reveal that she got a boob job) Huh? What do you think?  They’re new! I went up three cup sizes. The doctor was reluctant. Come on, touch ‘em.

Joey: (Shocked) Uh..let’s get my bag. I’ll feel ya up in the car, I promise.

Gina: So, tell me about the big new job.

Joey: Oh, well uh, it all started when I got this new agent, this lady is a shark. And that means she’s a good agent not an actual shark.

Gina: I know that.

Joey: Yeah, I did too. Anyway, she got me offers from two new shows!

Gina: Wow, what are they?

Joey: Well the first one’s about a bunch of male nurses, and I wasn’t really crazy about that one. I mean, I’ve already been a brain surgeon. I don’t think my fans would buy me as a nurse.

Gina: Well they bought you as a brain surgeon. They’re pretty understanding.

Joey: Okay, well it doesn’t matter alright. ‘Cause the other show is about a cop, and I’m the star! Oh and also, it’s for cable. So there’s a combination of nudity and swearing that I find intriguing. (Smiles)

Gina: I am so proud of you. So, how many bags are we looking for? (Points to the baggage claim)

Joey: Just one. The rest of my stuff’s on a moving truck, and I gave them your number. The company’s called Movers and Shakers. They cost a little more, but man, that name cracked me up. (Laughs) Oh no, wait, that was my bag!

Gina: It’s okay. Hold on. (Puts one foot on the baggage claim and sticks out her chest.) Sir, could you grab that bag? (The man goes to get it) Thank you.

Joey: Well they do get things done.

[Scene 3: Outside Joey’s house]

Gina: Huh?

Joey: Wow! I think I like LA.

Gina: I thought you and Chandler shoulda moved out a long time ago. It’s a very vibrant gay scene.

Joey: Chandler and I are not a gay couple! (To a guy sitting by the pool) Hi.

Gina: Okay, this is it; your new home. (Unlocks the door and they both walk into Joey’s new house)

Joey: Oh my god! Yeah, oh, Gina it’s awesome! Thank you for finding this, oh, I love it!

Gina: Good, ‘cause if you didn’t I was gonna lie and tell you Tom Cruise used to live here.

Joey: Tom Cruise lived here?

Gina: Sure he did hunny. Oh let me show you the best part! (Takes Joey out to the back porch) Check this out. Here, sit over here and lean back. (Joey sits) Look over there.

Joey: Is that the middle of the Hollywood sign?

Gina: That is the “ollywoo” sign.

Joey: I can see the ollywoo sign! And into that women’s bathroom, and now she sees me looking. (Yelling) Hey neighbor! Oh man…

Gina: What’s the matter?

Joey: I just, I can’t believe I’m here, ya know. It doesn’t, it doesn’t feel real. (Hugs Gina) And neither do those.

Gina: (Phone Rings) Gina Tribbiani, Hairdresser to the stars.

Joey: Stars?

Gina: (To Joey) It sounds better than “Hairdresser to mostly Dominicans”

Joey: Oh.

Gina: (On the phone again) Yeah hunny. Come on up. (Hangs up) It’s my Michael. He’s parking.

Joey: Oh, great! Say, what is Michael now, 20?

Gina: Yeah, don’t I look incredible for the mother of an adult son? That’s a good thing about having a kid so young.

Joey: Yeah, you rarely hear the argument for teen pregnancy.

Gina: (Sarcastically) Hahaha. Michael is so excited to see you again. Oh, and by the way, I told him I had him when I was 22. I don’t want him to think his mother’s a tramp.

Joey: Uhh.. (Zips up Gina’s jacket)

[Michael enters]

Michael: Uncle Joey!

Joey: Hey! Wow. Whoa man, I still think of you as a little kid. So much for these wings I picked up on the airplane. (Takes a pair of pilot wings out of his pocket)

Michael: Oh, no, I’ll still take ‘em.

Joey: (Reluctantly) Oh, well, I was just going to show ‘em to ya…

Gina: Tell your uncle Joey what you’ve been up to lately.

Michael: Well uh, now that college is done, I’m just doing some grad work over at Cal Tech Center for simulation of dynamic response materials.

Joey: (Confused) Umm..

Gina: Can you believe he came out of me?

Michael: Actually right now we’re designing a mock-up for an escape module for the international space station.

Joey: (Sarcastically) Haha, what are you, a rocket scientist?

Michael: Yes..

Joey: Oh, oh, so hey. How do you like living at school?

Michael: Oh no, I still live with Mom.

Joey: (Laughs) Oh man! (Gina glares at him) That is nice!

Gina: Shut up, we have fun. (To Michael) Tell him we have fun.

Michael: No, I mean we do have fun. We have a lot more in common than most moms and sons, ‘cause she had me when she was just like 22, so-

Joey: Right, oh yeah, yeah. 22, that’s why we had to change churches.

Gina: (Walks to the kitchen) Michael where’s the lasagnas?

Michael: Oh, I left it in the car.

Gina: Oh I’ll get it. Look at that, so much going on up here, he can’t even remember the lasagna. (Leaves)

Joey: Wow, we are different you and me. (Points to Michael) So, come on. What else is going on?

Michael: Well actually, I’m thinking about moving out.

Joey: Oh yeah, where?

Michael: Here with you.

Joey: What?

Michael: I’m 20 year old, man. I shouldn’t be living with my mom. Everyone at school makes fun of me. And it’s not like these are the cool kids. They’re not quarterbacks. Engineers!

Joey: Uh well, why do you want to live with me?

Michael: Well, this may not be a big selling point, but I have no rent. And I mean also, you’re my cool uncle Joey. Living with you, that would just, you know..

Joey: Yeah, break your mother’s heart.

Michael: I know. I know, but I mean, it’s gonna happen sometime. I just have to get out of there. Have you seen the breasts?

Joey: See ‘em? She made me touch ‘em!

[Scene 4: Joey’s Back Porch. He’s leaning back looking at the Ollywoo sign.

Alex: Hi!

Joey: Whoa! (Falls off the ledge backwards) It’s actually not that big of a drop. Hi. Some first impression, huh?

Alex: Oh, actually I got my first impression last night. I saw you out here practicing your (Unsure) Judo?

Joey: Oh, that wasn’t Judo. I had a bee on me.

Alex: (Laughs) I’m Alex. I live next door.

Joey: Really? I’m Joey.

Alex: Hi. So you just moved out here?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, from New York. (Proudly) Uh, I’m an actor.

Alex: Aww, that’s so cute. You think it’s a big deal to be an actor. Everybody out here’s an actor. That guy in that apartment...(Points at different apartments) Actor. Actor. Actor. Porn Actor.

Joey: Really?

Alex: Yeah, he lives above me. It’s not the best.

Joey: Oh, so I guess if everyone here’s an actor, that means you’re an actor too?

Alex: Oh no, actually I’m a corporate lawyer.

Joey: Wow. What is that?

Alex: I represent greedy businesses. I make the world just a little bit worse. Were you on Days Of Our Lives?

Joey: (Doesn’t realize he’s wearing a shirt that says “Days Of Our Lives”) Ah, took you a minute but you recognized me, huh? (Realizing) I’m wearing my Days Of Our Lives shirt, aren’t I? Yeah, I did the soap thing, but I’m out her to move beyond that. I’m actually a very serious actor, yeah. (Clears his throat) “Romeo! Romeo! Where for art thou Romeo?” That was Romeo.

Allison: Actually, that was Juliette.

Joey: What?

Allison: Yeah well Romeo doesn’t start a speech saying “Oh Romeo, Romeo.”

Joey: I’ve done that for like a million auditions!

[Scene 5: Gina, Michael, and Joey are at the studio. Joey is filming his Cop show.]

Director:  Blue Wall, Scene C, Take 2. And…Action!

[Joey does a scene where he repeatedly punches a guy, makes loud grunting noises, and gets drenched in fake blood.]

Director: And…Cut! (Buzzing sound)

Joey: (Excited) Huh?

Gina: I can’t believe I’m on a set. I feel like I should be networking. Let me go talk to the director. (Runs off)

Joey: (To Michael) So, it must be pretty cool seeing your uncle star in his own show, huh?

Michael: Not as cool as it would be to see my roommate in his own show.

Joey: Uh yeah. Michael about that, come here. I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Michael: Why not?

Joey: I don’t want to get between you and your mom alright? I can’t have her mad at me. When we were kids, she used to torture me. She hit me all the time. She used to hold me down and force me to say “I am gay for David Cassidy.”

Michael: Who’s that?

Joey: David Cassidy? From The Partridge Family, really good-looking –ugh the point is! I don’t want her mad at me. Okay, I’m sorry

Michael: It’s okay. I understand.

Joey: Alright, good.

Gina: (Comes running back) You are not gonna believe this! The director thought I was an actress!

Joey: Sure, that’s ‘cause you got big fake boobs and you’re crazy.

[Scene 6: Joey and Gina are outside Joey’s house by the pool. Gina’s reading the newspaper.]

Joey: I love it out here! Sunny, and 72 degrees every day. I wonder what it’s like in New York.

Gina: Seventy-one.

Joey: Poor bastards.

[Alex joins them]

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Oh hey Alex. This is my sister Gina. (To Gina) Alex lives right next door.

Gina: Hey, you have very beautiful hair.

Alex: Oh, thanks.

Gina: If you ever wanna sell it, you give me a call. (Hands Alex a business card)

[Alex walks away confused]

Joey: Hey! I liked that girl. Don’t be trying to buy her hair! She could be the future Mrs. Joey Tribbiani, or at the very least, the future awkward situation. (His phone rings) Ooh, it’s my agent, the shark. (Answers it) Hello. Hi Bobbie. Right, yeah. What? Why? Yeah, ok, bye. (Hangs up) My show is dead! It’s not even gonna air!

Gina: Oh my God, did they say why?

Joey: People thought it was disgusting. Geez, you defecate on one corpse!

Gina: Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Joey: I can’t believe this. How could I go from having two shows to having nothing?

Gina: Do you think you shoulda done the other show? The Nurses thing?

Joey: Oh no way. I mean, my show didn’t go, but believe me. No one is gonna watch a show about nurses.

[Scene 7: Joey, Gina, and Michael are watching TV at Joey’s house]

Reporter: I’m with Sam Baxter, one of the hunky stars of the new hit show Nurses. Now, Sam, was it true that you weren’t exactly the first choice for the role?

Sam: Well that’s right. The producers had originally offered the role to someone else; an actor by the name of Joey..Tribaney.

Reporter: Well wherever he is, I’m sure Joey Tribaney is kicking himself.

Joey: Tribbiani! Joey Tribbiani is kicking himself! (Kicks himself)

[Scene 8: The kitchen in Joey’s house. Michael is cooking]

Joey: Hey, what are you doing here?

Michael: Mom told me you’d be clearing out your dressing room today, so I figured I’d come by and cheer you up.

Joey: Aw, what are you cooking?

Michael: Uh, spaghetti and meatballs. It’s Grandma’s recipe. It always makes me fell better. Mom made it for me this one time, this one time I got a B.

Joey: Oh, I got a B once. Cheated my ass off.

Michael: So, was today hard?

Joey: Yeah, I can’t believe it. A week ago I was the star of my own show, and now I’m the guy who turned down Nurses. Which is strange, because in real life I would never turn down a nurse.

Michael: So what do you do now?

Joey: I got a meeting with my agent later to figure out some kind of game plan.

Michael: Hey, they’re making a new Indiana Jones movie, maybe you could..turn that down.

Joey: Feeling a little bit more comfortable around your Uncle Joe, are ya? Hey, this is really nice, thanks for doing this.

Michael: You know, if you let me be your roommate you could have this like every day.

Joey: Michael, look, you’re a great kid, and I would love to have you as my roommate but your mother would flip out. I mean (Takes a bite of spaghetti) Uh.. (Looks at the spaghetti) You’re in!

Michael: Yes! (Tries to take one of the meatballs)

Joey: No, no, no, no, no, no!

[Scene 9: Bobbie’s Office]

Bobbie: Hey, Joey. Have a seat doll.

Joey: Hey, thanks for seeing me Bobbie. Look, I know we blew it by turning down that Nurses thing, but I gotta believe there is something bigger for me right around the corner.

Bobbie: Listen, you are living in a dream world.

Joey: Excuse me?

Bobbie: That Nurses show is huge.  Everyone involved in it is going to become insanely rich, and it’s going to haunt you for the rest of your life. But my job is to keep up your morale.

Joey: I do feel better.

Bobbie: Look, I’m a straight shooter, but I’ll tell ya something else about me. I am the best. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. I would..throw on a meat skirt and wrestle a lion. I would pull off my own ears and eat them.

Joey: That’s…gross!

Bobbie: I am gonna get you through this. I tell you, next year I am gonna find you a show that is gonna blow this Nurses thing right out of the –Oh, what the hell am I saying? Nothing’s gonna top that!

Joey: Uh, wha..hold on. Next year? No no no, I need to get something now.

Bobbie: Well, I got nothing. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

Joey: There’s gotta be something.

Bobbie: Well, they do need a host for this new entertainment news show. It’s not really acting, but it may work since you have such a tremendous head.

Joey: (Touches his head) I do?

Bobbie: Oh, we don’t have time for this! (Writes down the information an hands it to Joey)

Joey: Thanks, Bobbie, thank you.

Bobbie: (Laughs) Looks like you got a big barrel on your shoulders.

[Scene 10: Joey’s House]

Joey: Gina, where have you been? My audition’s in half an hour.

Gina: Sorry, I’ll give ya a little trim. It’ll take two minutes.

Joey: Hey, uh, any sign of my stuff? Have the movers called?

Gina: No.

Joey: Stupid Movers and Shakers! (Laughs) I can’t be mad at those guys! Hey, do me a favor. See if you can make my head look a little smaller. 

Gina: (Starts cutting his hair but stops) Ya know, I can’t do this. I’m too upset.

Joey: What’s the matter?

Gina: Michael said he was moving out.

Joey: Uh, did he say who he was moving in with?

Gina: No, why?

Joey: Uh, no reason. But you know, if you think about it Gina, this could be a good thing. You could have more time for your hairdressing.

Gina: Oh please, I’m not much of a hairdresser anyways. The only reason I even started cutting hair was because Channel 5 exposed me as the South’s most dangerous dental technician.

Joey: That was some damning footage.

Gina: I just don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He’s my baby.

Joey: Hey, come on.

Gina: No really. I don’t have much to be proud of..but him I did right. (Phone rings) I gotta take this. (On the phone) What? Yeah.Well I got a lead on some blonde hair. (Joey glares at her) I need some good straight stuff.

[Gina leaves and Michael enters]

Michael: Okay, we got a big problem. I just told mom I was moving out. She went crazy. (Gina walks in) I don’t know what she’s going to do when she hears I’m living with you.

Joey: Well, let’s find out! (Gina is shocked)

Michael: Why didn’t you tell me she was here?

Joey: You couldn’t tell I was getting a haircut?! You think I just walk around my apartment in a cape?!

Gina: He’s gonna live here? Are you kidding me?

Michael: Mom, look. This was my idea.

Joey: That’s true.

Gina: Sure, I bet you landed and right away he begged you. “Please, get me away from my mother!”

Joey: Uhh..

Michael: Uhh..

Gina: (To Joey) I cannot believe you would do this to me.

Joey: Hey, Gina, Gina, wait up!

Michael: Ma..

[Gina leaves furious]

Michael: Oh my God.

Joey: I know. I know. (Lifts up the hairdressing smock he has on) I could eat a really big lobster in this.

[Scene 10: Studio at the auditions for Hollywood Minute]

Director: Okay Joey, the audition’s very simple. Uh, three cameras. Each one has a teleprompter beneath the lens, and a red light on top. Whichever red light is lit, that’s the camera you address. The producer will watch you from that monitor.

Joey: Geez, is that a man or a woman?

Director: And, you’re miked.

Joey: Okay. Let’s do this.

Director: We on a roll? Joey Tribbiani audition in five, four, three..

Joey: Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I’m name. (Realizes he was supposed to add in his own name) Uh, can I start again?

Director: Sure, whenever you’re ready.

Joey: Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I’m Joey Tribbiani, and here are today’s tops stories. (The camera switches but Joey doesn’t realize the red light has changed) Even though she’s on vacation-

Director: Uh, Joey, you didn’t switch cameras.

Joey: Oh, did the light change?

Director: Yeah, even though you’re reading, you need to be aware of when the light changes.

Joey: That’s really the best way to do this?

Director: Okay, let’s try this again in five, four, three..

Joey: Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I’m Joey Tribbiani, and here are today’s top stories. (He changes cameras, but he’s still looking at the wrong one) Even though she’s on vacation, Jennifer Lopez is in the news today. (Realizes he’s looking at the wrong camera and switches to a different one, but it’s still not the right one) More – more on that story later, but first, let’s check out the box office returns for this weekend. (Camera switches again) Topping the list for the third week in a row – Man that is one fast red light. (Switches to the wrong camera again) Topping the list (Switches again) Topping the list (Switches again) No, I know it’s not that one (Points at the camera) Where the hell is it?!

Director: Okay Joey, thanks for coming in.

Joey: No, no, no. I’m getting the hang of it. Please mister, or miss, producer. Um, I need this job. I can do this.

Director: You’re looking at the wrong camera.

Joey: Damn it! Romeo, oh, Romeo! (Gives up and walks out of the studio)

[Scene 11: Outside Joey’s house]

Alex: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Alex: What’s wrong?

Joey: Oh, I just blew an audition to host this stupid entertainment show.

Alex: Oh, well is that even acting?

Joey: No. It’s just following a really fast red light.

Alex: I’m sorry. If it helps, I had a really rough day at work too. The company I represent can’t drill for oil in Yosemite.

Joey: Well, if we’re both bummed, you wanna go be bummed together? Maybe we could get something to eat.

Alex: Oh, I wish I could. I have to go to the airport to pick up my husband.

Joey: Oh, you’re married?

Alex: You didn’t know? Didn’t you see the ring?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah I saw the ring, but it’s no on your left hand so..

Alex: Yeah, it is.

Joey: (Looks at his hands) If you say so.

[Alex walks off and Joey walks inside his house]

Joey: (To Michael) Hey. Hey, did you know that girl next door is married?

Michael: Oh, I can’t talk to that girl. S-s-she makes my stutter come back. Uh, can I talk to you?

Joey: Look, Michael, if we’re gonna be roommates, you should know there are gonna be times when I’m not gonna want to talk. I’m just gonna want to eat the spaghetti you made for me.

Michael: Um, actually, well, I’m not gonna be your roommate.

Joey: What? Why?

Michael: I don’t know. I talked it over with my mom and-

Joey: Oh Michael, don’t listen to her! (Gina walks in) She’s a selfish, crazy –Okay we need a signal for when she’s here!

Gina: Come on Michael. We’re leaving.

Joey: Look Gina, this is nuts! He’s a man okay. He’s graduated college. He shaves. He sleeps with women.

Michael: Yeah, I-I do shave.

Joey: Come on, you have to let him go!

Gina: Oh yeah? (Grabs his ear)

Joey: (Screams) Okay, you can hurt me all you want, but he’s gonna move out sometime.

Gina: Not if I can help it.

Joey: Look Gina, I know he’s your baby, but it’s time to move on! Change can be good.

Gina: Oh, it’s easy for you to say.

Joey: No, it’s not! Look, nobody understands wanting things to say the same like I do. I was happy in New York! Okay, and I tried really hard to keep things from changing, but everyone else got married, and had kids, and moved on. They all changed. So, I’m giving change a shot, and it has been hard. But, okay, just hoping things stay the same, it doesn’t work.

Gina: What, are you smarter than you used to be?

Joey: Nah, I don’t know where that came from.

Gina: (To Michael) You know he’s a slob, right? You know how you like everything nice, and clean, and in it’s own little place? There’s going to be sauce on everything you own.

Joey: I don’t know how it happens.

Michael: Ma..Ma, that’s okay.

Gina: Well, if this is what you really want..

Michael: Thank you, Mom. Thank you.

Gina: I’m just going to miss you, that’s all. It’s been the two of us for such a long time.

Joey: Yeah, well now it’s the three of us.

Gina: (To Joey) You gave your speech. Enough. (To Michael) You sure you’re gonna be okay?

Joey: Gina he’s gonna be fine. He’s old enough to move out. You were raising a kid when you were 16. (Gina glares at him) Ooo..

Michael: How did I not figure that out?! I mean, I took calculus when I was eight.

Gina: (To Joey) You’re dead.

Joey: Okay now, Gina, now back off. I don’t wanna hurt you.

Gina: Oh yeah? (Grabs his ear)

Joey: (Falls to the floor screaming) I’m gay for David Cassidy!